Ellen’s mother, who lives alone, insists that Ellen call her every evening. Ellen is busy many evenings and often finds it difficult to make the nightly phone call. When she learned about a program through her church where volunteers make the calls instead, she was delighted and immediately signed her mother up.
“I thought this would be a great solution,” Ellen said. “I can still call Mother most evenings, but when I can’t call, someone will still be checking on her. It also gives her someone new with whom to talk. But Mother is furious. She says if I really cared about her, I’d make time to call her and not rely on strangers. Maybe she is right; I don’t know what to do now.”
Ellen’s dilemma is one that adult children often face. How can they decide whether a parent’s demands are unreasonable, and how can they say “no” to such requests. Experts suggest a number of guidelines:
§ Evaluate your parent’s limitations and the other resources (friends, neighbors, community services, etc.) she/he has available. If you find your parent’s requests burdensome, ask yourself how much your help is really needed.
§ Consider the long range effects on your parents if you allow them to become unnecessarily dependent on you. Maintaining independence and involvement is strongly related to health and happiness in elders.
§ Accept your limitations. Although you may sincerely want to provide for your parent’s every need, it is unlikely you can do so. If you burn yourself out providing unnecessary services, you may not be able to help when your assistance is really needed.
§ Respect the dignity of your parents when you respond to their requests. Help them find and arrange for needed services for themselves, rather than taking over and making plans for them.
§ Agree to provide only those services you can manage gracefully and with good humor. Help provided grudgingly or in the spirit of a martyr will leave both you and your parent feeling angry and frustrated.
§ Stick to your decisions. If you consider a request unreasonable or more than you can manage, explain your position and make alternative suggestions. Don’t feel you must continually justify your position.
§ Realize you are not responsible for your parent’s happiness. Often people have trouble accepting the losses related to aging, and they look for someone to blame for their distress. Accepting this blame and feeling guilty about your parent’s dissatisfaction, doesn’t help you or your parent.
§ Let your parent know you care, even though you may not always meet all requests. Show your affection by spontaneously sharing special times, by touching and hugging, by calling to share good news, etc.
Dr. Libby Bellinger is the Associate Director, Meals & Wheels, Waco, Texas
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